Golfthink In The News
Meet Joe Black
This issue I wanted to write an article on golf fashion, but I’m a bit of a fashion mistake myself and didn’t want to “do a Bill” (Clinton) and do something “just because I could”. I mean, I’ve got the Calvin Klein briefs, but I shed a few tears when they freed Willy and prefer the Nelson Mandela-like freedom of boxers. Anyway, here we go with a selection of the different types of golfers you may be fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to meet out there on the course…
1. “The Hulk” – Golf Fuels his Rage and Anger
Seemingly charming and harmless off the course, The Hulk bursts through at least eight golf shirts per round and throws and/or attempts to break as many clubs. Stay out of their way, especially after they hit anything less than the perfect golf shot. Expect to hear every swear word known to mankind, plus some you’ve probably never heard, and whatever you do, don’t tell him/her to calm down, or you might find yourself in the next water hazard. After the round, The Hulk displays his softer side, and is often a pleasure to be with.
2. “The Ambulance” – Never Stops Whining
No matter what course you’re playing The Ambulance will find something to complain about. The greens will be too slow, the weather too hot, the grass not green enough, the hotdogs at the turn aren’t cooked, and his brand new Taylormade R7 is a defect and is definitely to blame for his bad play. Oh, and the rude starter ruined his entire day anyway. The Ambulance is a real pain in the A to play with and the only thing you can do is make comments about how great everything is.
3. “The Dreamer” – Suffers From Delusions of Grandeur
This type of golfer is harmless, but by the time you’ve finished your first pint in the 19th, he will have turned his 128 shots into a solid round of 75. “If only I hadn’t of five putted on No. 2”, “If only I hadn’t of hit it out of bounds on No. 5”, ”If only I hadn’t of shanked it twice into the water on 17”. The Dreamer also tends to have a short memory and forgets about the 80 footer he made on 6 to save triple bogey and the 50-yard bounce off the tree into the center of the fairway on 12. When you ask The Dreamer what he shot, he’ll reel off a long-winded fable of the bad breaks he got but seldom will you get the actual score. The Dreamer’s greatest wish is that the scorecard has a row titled “How I Made Triple Bogey”.
4. “Fabio” – Has An Ego As Long as His…Drives
Fabio will hit the least club possible in order to brag to his friends. He’ll gladly exchange a birdie made by hitting driver, 5 iron, wedge, for a quadruple bogey made by hitting driver, 6 iron on the same hole. John Daly is his hero and he once hit a 7-iron 235 yards from an elevated tee 100 feet high, with a 50km/hr downwind 5,000 feet above sea-level and swears that this is his average distance. He’ll gladly admit his short game sucks because the only thing that matters is hitting your pitching wedge 150 yards. At the driving range, Fabio will take the hitting bay nearest to the entrance and only hit shots when people are arriving or leaving. He only goes during peak times and when a hot looking chic comes he reaches straight for his extra stiff shafted driver to show her just how long he is.
5. “The Loser” – Thinks He’s Not Worthy
The Loser spends most of his time telling himself he sucks so badly he doesn’t deserve to play this game. He is, by his own account, the worst golfer ever to have walked the planet, and even his grandmother could play better than him. When The Loser plays a great shot, it’s good luck, not skill, and by the time he walks to the green to make his 3-foot birdie putt, he’s already psyched himself out and is certain he’s going to miss it. The Loser swears he’s going to give up the game at least once per round, but returns time after time because there’s nowhere else he can find such pleasure in self-degradation.
6. “The Wannabe” – Wishes He Was Tiger Woods
The Wannabe can be spotted by their iron covers and latest name-brand equipment. They may look like a Pro, often dressing up in complete Nike outfits although their ball retriever is a dead giveaway they’re a pretender. Most of them can’t play golf because they’ve read so many golf instruction tips that they have trouble even taking the club back. The Wannabe is an avid golfer, and often knows everything about the game except how to shoot low scores. The Wannabe is also inclined to be a reverse sandbagger, only inputting his best scores so he can look good everywhere but where it counts. The Wannabe will often have his name sewn onto his golf bag, and arranges driving range balls in pyramids when on the driving range.
8. The Johnny Miller – Can’t Shut Up
The Johnny Miller is never short of a word. He’ll not only talk to his golf ball as if it really understands, but often tries to forge a relationship with his golf clubs and the course for the day. They often have intimacy problems at home, but when on the golf course, he’ll have no qualms about sharing his feelings with his golf ball, with comments like “Come on baby, be right”, “Oh yeah honey, I like that” and “Oh sweetie, don’t do that”. The Johnny Miller really believes that talking to his golf ball makes a difference and if the golf ball did everything he told it to, he’d be a +5 handicap.
8. “Dirty Harry” – Enforces The Rules And Asks If You’re Feeling Lucky When Your Drop Isn’t from Shoulder Height. (Well Do Ya, Punk?)
This rules obsessed golfer is likely to be a little too knowledgeable about the rules of golf and is more concerned that your cart path drop is not nearer to the hole than his own score. They have little regard for your reason for playing the game, and will have no hesitation in pulling you aside to politely question your drop out of a water hazard on your way to a crowd-pleasing 12. These underwear-ironing individuals watch tournaments on television trying to spot a breach by the Pro’s and have the telephone numbers of all 26 television networks in case he spots a rules infraction.
9. “The Mentor” – Knows More About the Golf Swing than Butch Harmon
The Mentor usually has a terrible golf swing, can’t play at all and will try to convince you he’d be in David Leadbetters’ shoes if he himself hadn’t of turned down Faldo’s cry for help back in 85’. They’ll give unsolicited advice and often ruin your game by telling you the latest tip they watched on the Golf Channel. The Mentor lurks at municipal courses waiting for a child prodigy that they can turn into the next Tiger Woods. They often have sustained injuries, which is why they can’t play themselves, and will often bore with you doubtful stories about encounters with famous players. He once called out “You Da Man” to Faldo at the John Deere Classic and now tells people he and “Nicky” are best of mates.